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Tuesday, March 25th, 2008

Subject:what happened to all of my aspiration and goal driven dreams?
Time:4:12 pm.
...oh yeah. Embassy Suites.

just read over my last Live Journal entry. i think that was the beginning of the end of my education. i never reenrolled for classes - things with gilbert got really serious. he moved in and i kept working. school lost all sense of priority.

almost a year later, i'm back in houston - yes really. what a gap for an update. i have, since then, learned that life is not about being upset about things not going the way i want them to - instead life is about the things i make of it. although it may seem i lost a lot by having dropped out of school (or was it academic dismisal?) my departure from san antonio has turned out to be a very good thing. granted, i am not currently going to school; but instead still working for the same hotel company with what could be considered slightly better pay. but good things have come of my move back "home". for starters i am not digging my grave any deeper with debt - instead with every day, i am slowly climbing my way up and with each passing paycheck getting a better wiff of fresh debt-free air.

i do gripe every now and then, though. i reminisce. but who wouldn't? it seems like it was just yesterday i was still a college student working my 16 hour work-study job, working not on making money, but towards a college degree and as happy and carefree jumping from an unrequited relation to one that seemed close to perfection. and then i snap - those things weren't as good as i made them out to be. not really, anyway. irresposobility took over my drive to finish school and to have things planned out and well organized. things that i thought would be good for me slowly began pulling on me, bringing me down and finally completely disillusioned me. not to make myself out to be a victim - i take full responsibilty for it all.
i really do.

my situation is getting better with each passing day. summer of 2008 will bring hardship, but i have been preparing myself for it since my move back in september. my family supports me - and my true love will be there to motivate me and inspire me. i plan on getting back on track with school; juggling the hotel's stress with midterms, final exams, and keep paying off the rest of my debt.

there is a light in my life now that ignites so much optimism - his name is joe. he's brought me closer to what once was my aspiration and my goal driven dreams. unlike any other person i've fooled myself into loving, he has held me back from irrational decisions, reminding me with every passing minute that my actions should not be to make things better for tomorrow but for the rest of my life. through him, i have learned that there is so much to fall back on - that, however bad the situation is, there is a way to keep climbing up, however deep or far in i may feel i've fallen in. he's brought me close to God. not in a religious aspect,or in a crazy obsessive fanatic manner, but in a spiritual manner - he's taught me that He is the best confidant i can have and that regardless of how things have been in the past I can trust in him.

i find myself waking up in the morning actually thinking about how much gratitude i have for the small things i have in life. remind myself, that however stressful my day at work will be, it is all a part of the process of making things good.

life will continue and i will get wrapped up in the midst of it all and probably forget about this journal for another few months - but for now it's good to know i have my sanity and rationality to put all down in writing. after all, the things i treasure so much are the things i have done in the past. not because i miss them, but because they have helped me find my way back here. where i belong.
2 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Sunday, April 15th, 2007

Subject:to say "i told you so" would be too cliche
Time:10:13 am.
so... after what, seven months? I stumbled onto the good old livejournal again. yet again, i'd forgotten about it - ironically enough always saying that my biggest fear is to forget things. it was because of my talk with vi last night, really, that i thought about it. at 2am i was on the phone with him catching up with him and letting him know everything that's been going on with me and my "oh-so-chaotic-life".

he swears i need a reality show or something.

unfortunately, it's not a thing that i think i'd want to be displayed on national television.
thinking back on it all, i wonder why it is that i see my life as such an intermittent thing. (make a note, i had to look up an antonym for "perpetual" because i didn't know what word to use).

intermittent - alternately functioning and not functioning or alternately functioning properly and improperly.

somewhat of a confusing thought in my head. of course it's not that my life (as a whole) doesn't "funtion" - i'd otherwise be dead, right?. just the concept of "living a blissful life" is what sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.

...does that make any sense?

i get so caught up with my emotions so many times that i forget to think about the other things in life: my family, my friends, my future, my family's future. it all seems to simply vanish from my head when going through my issues. it's natural, i'm sure, for us as human individuals to feel that emotional stress. i go overboard sometimes though. funny thing is though, i dont really fret. actually, i dont at all.
most of the time i keep it in and when i've finally had enough, is when it all goes to caca. slowly but surely though, things always fall back into place.
knowing so, though, doesn't help the paranoia or depression of dealing with whatever issues are occurring.

needless to say. these past two months have been pretty hectic.
i dropped all my classes. my choice.
instead of going to school full time, i work full time.
Embassy Suites Position: Front Desk.
it's not so bad.
it pays bills - and those i have a lot of.

in other news. i'm still with gilbert.
better known as "rico" from the post dated entry back in september.
we've been having our fair number of issues. both parties at fault, but for the most part it's a lack of efficient communication.
regardless. i love him. and really care about him.

it's good to know what mutual love feels like. regardless of how many arguements there are. to know that the person, however unhappy, is willing to work it out.
ha. talk about naive, right?

....to be continued. i'm at the desk at work and it's picking up.
1 breath taken| take a breath of life

Friday, November 4th, 2005

Subject:i miss my lip ring.
Time:4:44 pm.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/nurzumschein/69605.html

i will repierce it.
3 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

Time:1:17 pm.
Bjork - Possibly Maybe

your flirtfinds me out
teases the crack in me

smittens me with hope

possibly maybe probably love

as much as i definitely enjoy solitude
i wouldn't mind perhaps
spending little time with you
sometimes
sometimes

possibly maybe probably love

uncertainly excites me
baby

who knows what's going to happen?
lottery or car crash
or you'll join a cult


possibly maybe probably love

mon petit vulcan
you're eruptions and disasters
i keep calm
admiring your lava
i keep calm


possibly maybe probably love

electric shocks? I love them!
with you - dozen a day
but after a while I wonder
where's that love you promised me? where is it?


possibly maybe probably love

how can you offer me love like that?
my heart's burnt how can you offer me love like that?
I'm exhausted - leave me alone!


possibly maybe probably love


since we broke up - I'm using lipstick again
I'll suck my tongue
- in remembrance of you...
6 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Thursday, August 4th, 2005

Time:4:33 pm.
erick's summer of 2005!



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5 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Monday, May 30th, 2005

Time:7:30 pm.
i had an extremely boring day. it's memorial day. i should have been somewhere eating fajitas or hot dogs with chili.
oh well.
i had a fun times day yesterday.
woke up at around 1pm and went to spend the entire day at sea world.
with sean, mesha, and dj.
i pet dolphins, saw a real orca only like 3 feet away from me.

my life here is so well adjusted.
everytime i so much as even think about going to houston,
my first instinct is to reject the idea.
i'm at peace here. i am free and myself.

my nature is one of greed.
it's taken me a while to accept that. but whatever.
going back to houston would mean conforming to my family's lifestyle.
that is not what i wish and therfor i hesitate even visiting.

a lot of people always tell me they miss me and in return, i say the same.
but i ponder, how much truth do those comments hold?
sure. thoughts come to me every now and then about people,
but because i'm so involved in this new life here... i don't truly MISS anyone.
i think about people though.

i'm greedy. and a hypocrite.
and most definitely proud.
i've come to terms that i'm a completely different person than what i was 2 to 3 years ago.
the fact that i have realized this and moved on with it makes me that much more proud of myself.

the past is what it is, and there's no way to change it or anything.
all one can do is look back and smile, frown, cry, scold, pout, or whatever body actions emotions cause.
but to live it over again? never.

i've lost my train of thought.
there is usually a lot or nothing going through my head.
today i simply have the time to sit down and type.
i no longer go out of my way to do anything but live and breathe.

"i". years ago i posted an lj entry where it stated that the letter "i" and the word itself were stated in it to much. attempts to change that fact were made, and for a while it worked.
now, though, it seems as it it's returned back to the old ways.

greed.
not obvious, but such a big part of my life.

and probably yours too.

regardless, and ironically, i am at peace.

here. in my home. with my community. and with my acquaintances.
3 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Subject:i wonder if i took you home, would you still be in love baby?
Time:6:59 pm.
Mood: bored.
because i'm bored....
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take a breath of life

Thursday, May 12th, 2005

Subject:i like this quiz....
Time:8:47 pm.
You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

</td>

Cultural Creative

75%

Idealist

63%

Existentialist

63%

Materialist

50%

Postmodernist

50%

Modernist

44%

Romanticist

25%

Fundamentalist

19%

What is Your World View?
created with QuizFarm.com
take a breath of life

Saturday, March 12th, 2005

Time:10:23 pm.
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/news/02172005_ent_loonatics.html#


....why?!
2 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Subject:...yet again, more pictures!
Time:4:03 pm.
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take a breath of life

Sunday, March 6th, 2005

Time:12:52 pm.
pictures
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4 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005

Subject:i am so unappreciative.
Time:2:42 pm.
was in houston this passed weekend.

+friday:
arrived at Lydia's house, played poker with the family, talked, ate, socialized, babied my 11 month old nephew jonathan.

+saturday:
slept in all day, woke up at around 2-3pmish. watch Alexander with my nephew isaac and played RISK. good times, until 6-7pmish. get a call from yolanda; someone wrecked into her, her car is ruined, she's in tears. my main worry... jonathan. my sister lydia and i drove over to where the wreck was - the car looked horrible. luckily, my sister only has minor back aches and the paramedics say everything is okay with jonathan.

we all headed off to yoli's place. and in celebration of everyone being okay... we started drinking. ...heh. i got really, really drunk. like more drunk than i usually get at the club.

it was crazy.

+sunday:
came back home.
went out with the brothers.

.....yeah.
2 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

Time:2:10 pm.
i was going to ramble about nonsense.... but... i read this in marco's entry....

"I'm tired of no one doing anything about the genocide in Sudan, didn't we learn our mistakes about inaction in Rwanda in '94? One million were killed with mostly machetes in 100 days then."

even ali said something about this before... or maybe even last semester...

point of this entry is this:
everyone should speak out on what's going on in sudan.

heh.

i should probably will do my own research for this, but although i'm more than sure marco and ali are good sources.

so here goes: (again, quoting marco)

"Everyone is so focused on the Iraqi bullshit or Tsunami relief. I'd rather die by drowning, bullets, or bomb than mutilation, castration and rape. Way to go UN, NATO, EU and US. World Police just doing what is right."

what do you all think?
4 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

Time:2:29 am.
my family and i just spent over 200 dollars worth on fireworks and popped 'em alllll.

oh my god it was amazing.

didn't get drunk.
didn't get any calls come midnight.
but helllll, i got me...
some eggnog!.

*cheers* here's to a good new year,guys!
♥ y'all!
5 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Friday, December 31st, 2004

Time:3:44 pm.
j00 have no idea.


....uhm.
lack of updates = lack of eventful stuff.

next year.
is hours away.

i am l'excited.
take a breath of life

Monday, December 20th, 2004

Time:5:06 pm.
so.
i want to go back home. it seems to me that i get bored too easily.

first semester of college was quite eventful.
a lot of emotional drama.
and good drama.
and dancing!

met some great people.
mesha, liz, val, leigh, michelle, seno, brian, etc etc. (the list seriously goes on and on... :-P)
found some great places:
-the electric (however ghetto it is..)
-the heat
and the ever great "bonham exchange"
ohhhh the fun.
a lot of memories. good stuff.
nostalgia will definitely ensue over the summer break.
l'tear.
<3

i ended the semester with an overall 2.8
a lot, a lot better than what i expected.


anyway.
i have internet acces again.
because i'm at my sister's house again.

..all the way over by bellaire and highway 6.

the break has been pretty uneventful thus far.
a lot of sleeping and reading.
yeah.
whatevz.

i have crappy phone service over here.
so text messaging is my next best resort.
and even then, i don't use it. :(
8 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Thursday, December 16th, 2004

Subject:i'm in houston now
Time:12:29 pm.
on the way here i accidentally left my cd player ontop of jack's car and killed my "hail to the thief" radiohead cd. i seriously wanted to cry.

i'm back in houston now.
not at my place though, but my sister's house.
off of bellaire and highway 6.
pretty far away [...] from y'all.

but then again.
i'm like 500 million years away from san antonio.
my sister wants me to go work at some office for her friend.
i'm game. definitely.
as long as i'm paid AT LEAST 7 an hour. :P haha.

this post is pretty pointless.
4 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Tuesday, December 14th, 2004

Time:4:07 pm.
Your Existing Situation
Working to improve his image in the eyes of others so as to obtain their compliance and agreement with his needs and wishes.


Your Stress Sources
Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which he imposes of himself or by his own choice and decision.


Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow himself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but restless and inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents him from becoming deeply involved.


Your Desired Objective
His need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes him restless and he is driven by his desires and hopes. May try to spread his activities over too wide a field.


Your Actual Problem
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.
2 breaths taken| take a breath of life

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

Subject:beautiful, awesome benevolent day
Time:12:19 pm.
so i totally kicked ass in my german literature exam. surprisingly enough what i studied for was ACTUALLY on the exam! good to know that SOME teachers actually do that as opposed to just turning you over, bending you down and raping you up the ass.

anyway. i'm in a really good mood.
regardless of the fact that i'm going to fail algebra. you know why?
because life is good!!
of course. only life within itself, i mean. all the emotions and drama and all that crap.... ehhhhhhhh.... no dice.
regardless. i'm in a very good mood today.
i took my freshman composition exam yesterday which i'm pretty optimistic about. i'm expecting a low C at least, because i didn't turn in one of the essays. meh.

hm. what else.
oh yeah. my german film teacher was trying to be bitchy to me today; she tried yelling at me about how i didn't understand how much stress she was under grading "7,000 papers" (that's a direct quote).
haha.
so i laughed and said, "well, i'm sorry you have to do your job."
she found that very witty and started laughing. and said "you know, i like your papers. you always have something interesting to say. you go against everything i ask for, but you do it well."
which scared me. and then i kinda laughed and told her i'd just return to talk to her tomorrow.
c-c-c-c-craaazyyy.

on another note. i love russian. even though i can't speak it.

1 breath taken| take a breath of life

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

Subject:take responsobility for your own actions, erick
Time:12:33 pm.
i'm thinking i may be in danger of being put in academic probation here at UTSA. what's that mean?
well.
for the most part;
"if you don't pick your grades up during the upcoming semester and pass, then you'll be kicked out of our school."

i know i'm probably failing college algebra. i was doing pretty well in there. then i failed the second to last exam, and i'm pretty sure i failed the final which i just took that was worth 40% of my grade.

my german classes are ridiculously stupid.
german lit final is going to be comprehensive over all the material covered throughout the semester. ...in essay format. i'll do alright there, i guess... but i think hate the class.
german film - oh god, hold me back. i turned in out last essay about two days ago and it was due on the 24th of november. pfft. and i think i need to turn something else in, but god knows if that stupid lady will answer me if i ask her. it's really difficult taking a drunk professor who falls asleep during class seriously.

those are the only finals i am really worried about. freshman compositions is coming up and i think i'll do alright there; the fact that i didn't turn in one of the essays for the course, however, is going to royally screw me over.

ironically enough, the only class i think i'll get an A in, is the only class i never go to. that exam isn't until the 14th of december. and i'm going to do my best to ace the exam in hopes of not murdering my gpa to such a HORRID extent.

i'm thinking if i can't pull myself together, and pick my gpa dramatically by the end of next semester, i'm going to be forced to go back to houston. take a semester off of school... work in that entirety.... and then maybe go into a community college if not just UH.

leaving UTSA would be such a blow though.

regardless. i realize it's my own fault that all of this is happening. and although my job had some influence in it, i should have learned to discipline myself better.

regret. what an interesting concept.
8 breaths taken| take a breath of life

LiveJournal for Здравствуйте! Меня зобут Ерик Кастровиц..

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